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Homosaurus

Field guide ยท Entry one of one

What, exactly, is a Homosaurus?

This page will not answer that. It will, however, describe the problem in considerable detail.

A museum poster treatment of the pink dinosaur formal portrait.
Reference plate. Subject cooperated for eleven seconds.

Classification

A record of everything we have failed to determine

Kingdom
Animalia. This is the last thing anyone agreed on.
Class
Reptilia, provisionally, over strenuous objection Contested
Order
Two orders have claimed him. Neither will take him back Disputed
Family
Large, loud, and mostly chosen rather than inherited.
Genus
Proposed nine times. Withdrawn nine times Withdrawn
Species
He has selected his own and declines to discuss the criteria.

Reference plate

Annotated, at considerable expense

Nine features have been formally identified. Naming them is the only part of this process that went smoothly.

A natural history anatomy plate of the pink dinosaur standing on aged paper, with nine leader lines pointing to the crest, dorsal plates, muzzle, shirt, forelimb, belly, tail and foot.
  1. CrestRainbow, orderly, and not open to suggestion.
  2. Dorsal platesThe crest, continued. Runs to the very end.
  3. OvershirtBlue. Open. Never once explained.
  4. ForelimbGestures constantly, whether or not he is speaking.
  5. Tail tipArrives several seconds before he does.
  6. TailLoad-bearing. Has ended two conversations.
  7. MuzzlePermanently mid-sentence.
  8. BellyOpinion storage.
  9. Hind footThree toes. No notes.

Field observations

Behaviour, habitat, and diet

Compiled from notes that contradict each other, submitted by researchers who no longer speak.

Habitat

Wherever the lighting is good

Observed at altitude, at sea, underground, and once at a garden centre. Shows no territorial instinct beyond a strong preference for the seat facing the room.

Diet

Enthusiastically omnivorous

Will eat almost anything, but only after asking what everyone else is having and then ordering something different.

Social structure

Centre of an unclear group

Always surrounded. No observer has established whether he organises these gatherings or simply arrives at them first.

Predators

None identified

Several candidates were considered. All were ruled out after being photographed laughing with him at the same event.

Vocalisation

Constant and load-bearing

Ranges from a low delighted rumble to a sound one researcher recorded only as "the noise, again."

Migration

Seasonal, unannounced

Departs without notice and returns with luggage nobody remembers him leaving with. No pattern has been established.

Field research

The rest of the file

Materials gathered over many years by people who started out sceptical and are now, by their own description, invested.

A left-to-right evolution sequence on aged paper: a small grey dinosaur becoming progressively pinker and more elaborate, ending with the pink dinosaur in sunglasses holding a glass of champagne beside brunch.
Proposed lineage Reconstructed without the benefit of a single fossil. The final stage is the only one anyone has successfully photographed, and it was at brunch.
A sepia expedition engraving of two nineteenth-century surveyors with a telescope in a mountain landscape, with the pink dinosaur standing behind them waving.
First recorded encounter The surveying party's notes describe "a large pink gentleman, waving." The expedition was abandoned shortly afterwards for unrelated reasons.
A corkboard pinned with red string connecting a photograph of a glitter trail, a blue shirt button sealed in an evidence bag, handwritten notes and a blurred photograph of the pink dinosaur mid-stride.
Ongoing investigation Compiled by researchers who have asked not to be named, largely out of embarrassment. The button remains the strongest physical evidence.
A museum diorama behind glass showing the pink dinosaur seated at a cafe table with champagne and brunch, watched by the silhouette of a visitor.
Habitat reconstruction The museum's own attempt at a typical Homosaurus environment. Curators have defended its accuracy at some length.

Frequently disputed questions

Answers, of a kind

Is he actually a dinosaur?

The evidence is suggestive and the paperwork is not. He has never claimed to be one, and has never corrected anyone who assumed it.

Is there more than one?

Sightings have been logged in two countries on the same afternoon. This has been explained as an error, a coincidence, and, once, as "none of your business."

Why the shirt?

Asked repeatedly. Answered never. It is the single most consistent feature across every credible account, which researchers find more unsettling than the alternative.

Can I meet him?

You may already have. Most people who have met him describe the encounter as brief, loud, and difficult to explain afterwards.

The research continues without him

He has been busy. The accounts below are the closest thing to data anyone has managed to collect.

See what he's been up to